Guilty Road Rager of the Day

(with apologies to The Great Humongous)


Full Story at:
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-cyclist3-2009nov03,0,761131.story
or
http://www.velonews.com/article/99800/dr-thompson-is-found-guilty-of-all-counts-in-la-road-rage

Christopher Thompson, 60, is convicted of [6 Felonies, 1 Misdemeanor, including] mayhem, assault with a deadly weapon and other charges in the crash that injured cyclists Ron Peterson and Christian Stoehr on Mandeville Canyon Road in 2008.

Thursday Hate (apologies to The Car Whisperer)

I'm co-opting thursday hate from The Car Whisperer because there's just so much to hate.

Before that, a word from my sponsor: Starbucks Coffee, 5406 W Devon.

Wanted: Barista With a Sense of Humor

Are you a morning person? Are you a morning person only after you've had a bunch of coffee? In either case, you'll do well here because we're open at the buttcrack of dawn and you can have as much coffee as you want. The pay probably sucks considering you're mostly dealing with assholes who want gas-station cappuccino flavor from our carefully roasted espresso beans, but there's a good chance you can get health insurance after you work here for a while. At no time are you allowed to be surly with these assholes. They're the lifeblood of our business and the money that goes into your pocket will be coming straight from theirs. If someone cracks a joke (especially a not funny joke), suck it up and stroke the customer's ego a little about them being "a funny person". You can make fun of them later if there's down time.

Ok, now that the hate disguised as fake advertisements is done... THE LIST.

- You rode your bike to work?
- Dog Snuggies (that's why they come with a built in FUR COAT, fuckface.)
- "Get on the Sidewalk" from a single occupant in a whale of an SUV.
- "You're blocking traffic" from a non-practicing member of the Illinois bar who is a single occupant in a whale of an SUV
- Single occupants in whale-esque SUV's
- Nosing into parallel parking spots when I have 200 lumens of blink on my handlebars
- Mozzarella and Marinara Pringles. So much wrong about shaped, flavored, dried potato slurry.
- 70% Chance of Rain and 43 degrees Farenheit

Lance and Bowerman meet on the LFP

As usual, Mondays are a 60 minute Active Recovery ride for me - tonight I set out on the Lakefront Path (LFP) to get my easy hour in. Keep in mind that AR rides are sloooow. It's taken me quite a while to really get the hang of it, but now I actually enjoy riding under 120bpm at 13-15mph.

I'd ridden down to the Oak Street Chicane and turned around after seeing nasty skies, figuring it's better to be closer to home than not if the skies rip open on me. On my way back north, just barely north of Belmont, I call out 'on yer left' to a guy jogging on the path's yellow line at belmont... let me present:

meets

me: on yer left!

jerk: ...no room for you assholes...

me: (Slowing) What's that?

jerk: Yo, Lance - you guys think you can... (I'm still too far away)

Lance: (I've apparently been renamed) Sorry?

Bowerman (tit for tat. I can rename him to a famous runner): Like, where were you in February, huh?

Lance: Me? On this path, right here. By the way, my name's not Lance.

Bowerman: Yeah, Lance. right here, baby. I run yeeear round. Lance.
(editor's note: editor is not in peak physical condition, but being around a LOT of very physically fit people, I "know it when I see it". He wasn't it. He did, however, point to the ground and himself in a fashion similar to this douche on the right.)

Lance: Um, ok. I'm out here all the time, man. I even have Gore-Tex winter boots.

Bowerman: ...Lance.

Lance: Why all the hate, anyway?

Bowerman: You guys think you're such... (inintelligible aside from another Lance)

Lance: I'm not just some pathlete, dude. I'm pretty serious...

Bowerman: Ha. Pathlete. That's a pretty good one, Lance.

Lance: Ok, whatever, douchebag. Have a good night.

With that, I rode away and finished my Active Recovery ride, though my HR was around 130 because of my frustrating conversation with this idiot.


I'm still not entirely sure why I slowed down, I guess I thought he might have something interesting to say? FAIL. Whatever. I should work on ignoring idiots like this, especially since this kind of heckling will never, ever cease. People don't get cyclists, we're a strange looking bunch, shaved legs and Lycra and the "little seats and weird pedals". Like most people, they ridicule what they don't understand... and they definitely don't understand a wet, snowy lakefront path ride in February when it's 28 degrees outside.

Maybe I pay attention to them because I just want to put them on a bike, especially at the velodrome, and help them understand a bit. I guess I can let Peak Oil put them on a bike. There's enough people at the velodrome already, we don't need a bunch of jerks ruining our fun.

Wednesday Hate (apologies to The Car Whisperer)

Dear guy in the locker room who takes up ten times more space than he should,

I understand that you're used to sprawl. I do. You probably live in a 4000sf house that's on 1/6 acre of land at the end of a cul-de-sac that prevents any sense of a "neighborhood" from forming. You park your 12mpg SUV across two parking spots at Wal-Mart so you can "keep its resale value" (good luck with that @ $4/gal). You obviously move around a LOT of gym clothes with you in the huge duffel bag that's parked on the floor next to my locker.

Why do you feel the need to burden others with your desire to sprawl? I understand that you might want to have 2 or 3 days worth of gym clothes in your bag, that's understandable... but maybe you can keep the clothes IN THE BAG? On that note, maybe the bag can be somewhere close to the locker that you're "using" rather than 10' away, adjacent to the opposing lockers, contents vomited all over the floor.

Perhaps nobody has ever told you that it's patently rude to do this. Maybe you're aware and don't give a shit because you're an inconsiderate asshole. Maybe you turn on two showerheads at once and use them both because you're that cool. If so, I bet your kids think they're three-popped-collars kinds of cool.

Consider this your official notice. I'll crosspost this to Seattle Craigslist, too. If your sprawl extends into the online world, you should come across it between CL and Facebook. Unless you're busy parking across three spots on your way to buy disposable diapers while driving your 12mpg SUV.

Love,

Guy who uses ONE locker and the 3' in front of it. Only.