Thursday, October 29, 2009

Thursday Hate (apologies to The Car Whisperer)

I'm co-opting thursday hate from The Car Whisperer because there's just so much to hate.

Before that, a word from my sponsor: Starbucks Coffee, 5406 W Devon.

Wanted: Barista With a Sense of Humor

Are you a morning person? Are you a morning person only after you've had a bunch of coffee? In either case, you'll do well here because we're open at the buttcrack of dawn and you can have as much coffee as you want. The pay probably sucks considering you're mostly dealing with assholes who want gas-station cappuccino flavor from our carefully roasted espresso beans, but there's a good chance you can get health insurance after you work here for a while. At no time are you allowed to be surly with these assholes. They're the lifeblood of our business and the money that goes into your pocket will be coming straight from theirs. If someone cracks a joke (especially a not funny joke), suck it up and stroke the customer's ego a little about them being "a funny person". You can make fun of them later if there's down time.

Ok, now that the hate disguised as fake advertisements is done... THE LIST.

- You rode your bike to work?
- Dog Snuggies (that's why they come with a built in FUR COAT, fuckface.)
- "Get on the Sidewalk" from a single occupant in a whale of an SUV.
- "You're blocking traffic" from a non-practicing member of the Illinois bar who is a single occupant in a whale of an SUV
- Single occupants in whale-esque SUV's
- Nosing into parallel parking spots when I have 200 lumens of blink on my handlebars
- Mozzarella and Marinara Pringles. So much wrong about shaped, flavored, dried potato slurry.
- 70% Chance of Rain and 43 degrees Farenheit

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